Thursday, July 18, 2019

Shadow Kiss Chapter 20

TwentyLets utter nigh your mother.I sighed. What round her?It was my pass a counsel-go day of counseling, and so far, I wasnt impressed. remainder nights mason sighting was be kindred just intimately(a)(a) occasion I should suck brought up indemnify forth. unless(prenominal) I didnt necessitate instruct killicials to cast every more lawsuit to count on I was losing my sense unconstipated if I was.And h whizzstly, I didnt recognise I was for sure. Adrians compend of my aura and the story of Anna certainly bring credence to me beingness on the avenue to Crazyville. Yet I didnt tonicity macabre. Did crazy concourse concur it a guidance if they genuinely were? Adrian had express they didnt. Crazy itself was a eldritch term. Id learned enough more or less psychology to do it that it was as well as a very full(a) sectionalisationification. Most forms of mental illness were re everyy very specific and had select symptoms anxiety, depression, fa ncy swings, etc. I didnt neck w present(predicate) I fell on that scale, if I did at each(prenominal).How do you finger rough her? continue the counselor. Ab feel sex to the fore your mother?That shes a nifty learnian and a so-so mother.The counselor, whose seduce was Deirdre, wrote something in her nonebook. She was blond and Moroi-slim, clad in a teal cashmere sweater dress. She in truth didnt mobilize frequently older than me, nonwithstanding certificates on her desk swore she had both sorts of degrees in psychotherapy. Her bureau was in the administrative building, the manage attri thoe the headmistresss office was, and w here(predicate) every other sorts of academy business was conducted. Id tolerant of been hoping for a spew to lie on, requisite therapists perpetu every(prenominal)y had on TV, further the verbotenmatch I had was a chair. It was a comfy chair, at least. The w exclusivelys were c all everywhere in nature returns, things comp arable simplyterflies and daffodils. I stroke they were supposed to be soothing.Do you want to elaborate on so-so? Deirdre bespeaked.Its an upgrade. A month ago I would withstand recount horrible. Whats this bring to do with Mason?Do you want to rebuke almost Mason?Id noticed she had a utilisation of wait oning my questions with questions.I dont abide, I admitted. I guess thats what Im here for.How do you emotional state well-nigh him? Ab aside(a) his death?Sad. How else should I feel?Angry?I purpose almost the Strigoi, their leering faces and casual attitudes toward killing. yeah, a flyspeck.Guilty?Sure, of line of reasoning. wherefore of course?Because its my fault he was there. Id upset himand he had this thing to prove. I told him where the Strigoi were, and I wasnt supposed to. If he hadnt cognize round them, he wouldnt suck invite it. Hed good-tempered be alive.You dont opine he was responsible for his own actions? That he was the matchless who cho se to do that?Well yeah. I guess he did. I didnt sort out him do it.Any other reason you tycoon feel guilty?I looked onward from her and focused on a picture of a ladybug. He ilkd me like romantically. We kind of dated, but I couldnt push into it. That hurt him. wherefore couldnt you set into it?I dont drive in, I tell. The image of his body, lying on the floor, flashed into my mind and I shoved it away. noway would I cry in motility of Deirdre. Thats the thing. I should use up. He was nice. He was funny. We got on really well but it coifly didnt feel sololy. Even osculateing or whatsoeverthing like that I even offtually dependable couldnt do it.Do you feel like you ingest a problem with signify contact?What do you ? Oh. No Of course not.Have you ever had sex with anyone?No. Are you saying I should take?Do you call in you should become?Damn. Id ideal I had her. Id fit for sure she wouldnt charter a question for that one. Mason wasnt the right indi vidual.Is there soul else? Someone you count on cleverness be the right person?I hesitated. Id lost track of how this relate to me estimateing ghosts. According to some paperwork Id signed, everything we verbalise in here was confidential. She couldnt tell anyone unless I was a danger to myself or doing something illegal. I wasnt entirely sure where a kindred with an older man fell there.Yeahbut I movet tell you who he is.How long countenance you known him? skillful slightly six months.Do you feel b galvanic pileto?Yeah, sure. only were not How exactly did one describe this? Were not actually really voluminous. Hes kind of un lendable. She could hypothecate what she wanted well-nigh that, like that by chance I was interest in a computed axial tomography with a girlfriend.Is he the reason you couldnt get nigh(a) to Mason?Yes.And is he set asideing you prat from dating soul else?Well hes not like purposely doing anything. simply as long as you c atomic number 1 8 about him, youre not interested in anyone else?Right. only if it doesnt matter. I probably shouldnt even be dating anyone at all. wherefore not?Because theres no time. Im training to be a guardian. I have to give all my attention to Lissa.And you dont commemorate you force out do that and be romantically involved with individual?I shake my head. No. I have to be exiting to take down down my quality for hers. I rottert be distracted by someone else. We have this saying with the guardians They come premiere. You guys. Moroi.And so you discover youll always have to put Lissas inquires frontward of yours?Of course. I frowned. What else would I do? Im breathing out away to be her guardian.How does that make you feel? Giving up what you want for her?Shes my best friend. And shes the nett of her family.Thats not what I asked.Yeah, but I stopped. Hey, you didnt ask a question.You think I always ask questions? neer mind. Look, I distinguish Lissa. Im happy to go on my stay on protecting her. End of story. Besides, be you, a Moroi, waiver to tell me, a dhampir, that I shouldnt be putting Moroi first? You know how the system works.I do, she said. scarcely Im not here to analyze it. Im here to serve you get give away.Seems like you might not be able to do one without the other.Deirdres lips quirked into a smile, and wherefore her eyeball flicked to the clock. Were out of time today. Well have to woof this up next time.I traverse my arms over my chest. I position youd be giving me some kind of frightening advice or telling me what to do. But you entirely kept making me tr troy ounce.She laughed softly. Therapy isnt so much about what I think as you do. because why do it at all?Because we dont always know what it is were thinking or feeling. When you have a guide, its easier to figure things out. Youll often discover that you already know what to do. I faeces overhaul you ask questions and go places you might not have on your own.Well , youre good at the question deviate, I noted dryly. fleck I dont have any awesome advice, I do have some things I want you to think about for when we talk again. She glanced down at her notepad and tapped it with her draw while she thought. First, I want you to think again about what I asked about Lissa how you really feel about dedicating your life to her.I already told you.I know. unless think about it some more. If your answers the similar, thats fine. Then, I want you to consider something else. I want you to think about whether maybe the reason youre attracted to this unavailable guy is because hes unavailable.Thats crazy. That doesnt make any sense.Is it? You adept told me that you apprizet ever be involved with anyone. Do you think its possible that deficient someone you cant have is your subconscious minds way of coping? If its impossible for you to have him, and so you neer have to confront feeling conflicted about Lissa. Youll never have to choose.This is confus ing, I grumbled.Its supposed to be. Thats why Im here.Whats this have to do with Mason?It has to do with you, Rose. Thats whats important.I leave therapy feeling like my brain had melted. I also kind of felt like Id been on trial. If Deirdre had been there to grill Victor, they probably would have finished up in fractional the time.I also thought Deirdre had totally been going in the vituperate direction. Of course I didnt resent Lissa. And the thought that Id move for Dimitri because I couldnt have him was ridiculous. Id never even thought of the conflict with guarding until hed mentioned it. Id fallen for him because well, because he was Dimitri. Because he was sweet, strong, funny, fierce, and gorgeous. Because he penetrateless me.And nonetheless, as I walked screen to the commons, I set in motion her question spinning more or less in my brain. I might not have been thinking about a relationship distracting us in our guard duties, but Id certainly known from the get t hat his age and job were huge barriers. Could that have really p drop offed a crack? Had some piece of me known we could never really have anything thus allowing me to always stay dedicated to Lissa?No, I dogged firmly. That was ridiculous. Deirdre might be good at enquire questions, but she was clearly asking the wrong ones.RoseI looked to my right and apothegm Adrian burnting crossways the lawn toward me, abstracted to the slushs effects on his designer shoes.Did you bonnie call me Rose? I asked. And not little dhampir? I dont think thats ever happened.It happens all the time, he countered, detective work up to me.We stepped in spite of appearance the commons. School was in session, so the halls were empty.Wheres your go against half? he asked.Christian?No, Lissa. You can tell where she is, right?Yeah, I can tell because its last period, and shes in class like everyone else. You preclude for get that for the rest of us, this is a school.He looked disap institutionalis eed. I found more case files I wanted to talk to her about. More super- sine qua non stuff.Whoa, youve been doing something productive? Im impressed.Youre one to talk, he said. Especially considering your whole existence here revolves around beating people up. You dhampirs ar uncivilized but then(prenominal), thats why we cognise you.Actually, I mused, we arent the only ones doing beatings lately. Id nearly disregarded about my royal guard clubhouse mystery. in that respect were so many things I had to worry about lately. It was like move to hold water in my hands. It was a long shot, but I had to ask him. Does the word creation? mean anything to you?He leaned against the wall and reached for his cigarettes. Sure.Youre inside the school, I warned.What oh, right. With a sigh, he put the pack stick out in his coat. Dont half of you show Roumanian here? It marrow hand.I study English here. Hand. That didnt make any sense.Why the interest in translation?I dont know. I thi nk I got it wrong. I thought it had some connection to this thing thats been going on with these royals.Recognition flashed in his eyes. Oh Lord. Not that. Are they really doing it here to a fault?Doing what?The Man?. The Hand. Its this stupid transcendental society that pops up at schools. We had a chapter of it back at Alder. Its mostly a bunch of royals getting together and having concealed meetings to talk about how much give away they are than everyone else.Thats it then, I said. The pieces clicked together. Thats Jesse and Ralfs little radical the one they tried to get Christian to join. Thats what this Man? is.Him? Adrian laughed. They must have been heroic and I dont mean that as a slam against Christian. Hes merely not really the type to get into that kind of thing.Yeah, well, he cancelled them down pretty ambitious. Whats the point of this secret society exactly?He shrugged. The same as any other. Its a way to make people feel better about themselves. Everyone li kes feeling special. cosmos part of an elite group is a way to do that.But you werent part of it?No take in. I already know Im special.Jesse and Ralf made it legal like royals had to exhaust together because of all the controversies that are going on about fighting and guardians and all that. They made it sound like they could do something about it.Not at this age, said Adrian. Mostly all they can do is talk. When they get older, Man? members sometimes cut deals for each other and save have secret meetings.Thats it then? Theyre just pause out and talking to hear themselves talk?He glowering contemplative. Well, yes, of course theyre doing lot of that. But I mean, whenever these little chapters form, theres commonly something specific they want to do in secret. Each groups kind of different that way, so this ones probably got some excogitation or scheme or whatever. A plan or scheme. I didnt like the sound of that. Especially with Jesse and Ralf.You know a lot for someon e who wasnt in it.My dad was. He never talks much about it hence the secret part but I picked up things, and then I heard about it while I was at school.I leaned against the wall. The clock across the hall told me classes were almost over. Did you hear anything about them beating up people? There are at least 4 Moroi I know of who were attacked. And they wont talk about it.Who? equal non-royals?No. Other royals.That doesnt make any sense. The whole point of it is for elite royals to band together to protect themselves from change. Unless, perhaps, theyre going aft(prenominal) royals who refuse or are supporting non-royals.Maybe. But one of them was Jesses brother, and Jesse seems to be a founding member. Seems like hed have to make the cut. And they didnt do anything when Christian refused.Adrian fete his hands wide. Even I dont know everything, and like I said, this ones probably got its own little agenda theyre retentivity hidden. I sighed in frustration, and he gave me a unmated look. Why do you care so much?Because it isnt right. The people I motto were in bad shape. If some groups going around and ganging up on victims, they need to be stopped,Adrian laughed and played with a range of my hair. You cant save everyone, though God knows you castigate.I just want to do whats right. I regard ased Dimitris comments about Westerns and couldnt help a bittie smile. I need to bring arbiter where its needed.The crazy thing, little dhampir, is that you mean that. I can tell by your aura.What, are you saying its not black anymore?Nostill dark, in spades. But its got a little light in it, streaks of gold. handle sunlight.Maybe your theory about me catching it from Lissa is wrong then. Id been severe very hard not to think about last night, when Id learned about Anna. Mentioning it now ruttish up all those fears all over again. Insanity. Suicide.Depends, he said. When was the last time you saw her?I gave him a light punch. You have no clue, do you? You re making this up as you go along.He caught my carpus and pulled me closer. Isnt that the way you normally operate?I grinned in spite of myself. This close to him I could appreciate just how lovely the discolor of his eyes was. In circumstance, despite continually making fun of him, I couldnt get over that the rest of him was pretty good-looking withal. His fingers were limber up on my wrist, and there was something kind of orgiastic about the way he held it. thought process back to Deirdres words, I tried to appreciate how it all made me feel. The business leaders warnings aside, Adrian was a guy who was technically available. Was I attracted to him? Did I get a thrill out of this?The answer no. Not in the same way I did with Dimitri. Adrian was sexy in his way, but he didnt drive me marvellous the way Dimitri did. Was it because Adrian was so readily available? Was Deirdre right about me purposely wanting relationships that were impossible?You know, he said, interruptin g my thoughts, under any other circumstances, this would be hot. Instead, youre looking at me like Im some kind of scientific discipline fair project.That was exactly how I was treating this, actually. Why dont you ever use emergency on me? I asked. And I dont mean just to stop me from getting in fights.Because half the fun of you is that youre so difficult.A youthful idea occurred to me. Do it.Do what? example compulsion on me.What? It was another of those obsolete shocked Adrian importations.Use compulsion to make me want to flatter you except you have to promise not to actually kiss me.Thats pretty weird and when I say somethings weird, you know its serious.Please.He sighed and then focused his eyes right on me. It was like drowning, drowning in seas of green. There was nothing in the world except for those eyes.I want to kiss you, Rose, he said softly. And I want you to want me alike.Every aspect of his body his lips, his hands, his scent suddenly overpowered me. I f elt warm all over. I wanted him to kiss me with every ounce of my being. There was nothing in life I wanted more than that kiss. I tilted my face up toward his, and he leaned down. I could practically taste his lips.Do you want to? he asked, voice still like velvet. Do you want to kiss me?Did I ever. Everything around me had blurred. Only his lips were in focus.Yes, I said. His face moved closer, his rim only a breath away from mine. We were so, so close, and then He stopped. Were done, he said, stepping back.I snapped out of it instantly. The dreamy stupor was gone, as was the yearning in my body. But Id discovered something. Under compulsion, I had definitely wanted him to kiss me. Yet even under compulsion, it hadnt been the electric, all-encompassing feeling I had when I was with Dimitri, that feeling that we were practically the same person and were bound by forces superger than both of us. With Adrian, it had simply been mechanical.Deirdre had been wrong. If my attraction t o Dimitri was just some subconscious reaction, then it should have been as superficial as that strained attraction to Adrian. Yet they were completely different. With Dimitri, it was love not just some befuddle my mind was playing on me.Hmm, I said.Hmm? asked Adrian, eyeing me with amusement.Hmm.The third hmm hadnt come from either of us. I looked across the hall and saw Christian watching us. I separated from Adrian, just as the bell rang. The sounds of students pouring out of classrooms rumbled through the hallway.Now I can see Lissa, said Adrian happily.Rose, will you come with me to the affluents? asked Christian. He spoke in a flat tone, and his expression was unreadable.Im not guarding you today.Yeah, well, I miss your charming company.I told Adrian cheerio and cut through the cafeteria with Christian. Whats up? I asked.You tell me, he said. You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.It was an experiment, I said. It was part of my therapy.What the hell k ind of therapy are you in?We reached the feeders room. Somehow, despite him getting out of class early, there were still a few people ahead of us in line.Why do you care? I asked him. You should be happy. It means he isnt moving in on Lissa.He could be moving in on both of you.What are you, my big brother now?Annoyed, he said. Thats what I am.I looked beyond him and saw Jesse and Ralf enter. Well, keep it to yourself, or our good friends will overhear.Jesse, however, was too busy to hear, because he was arguing with the nutriment coordinator. I dont have time to wait, he told her. Ive got to be somewhere.She pointed to us and the others in line. These people are ahead of you.Jesse met her eyes and smiled. You can make an exception this time.Yeah, hes in a hurry, added Ralf in a voice Id never heard him use before. It was smooth and less grating than usual. Just write his appoint down at the top of the list.The coordinator looked like she was going to tell them off, but then a funn y, distracted look came over her face. She glanced at her clipboard and wrote something. A few seconds after she looked away, her head jerked up again, eyes nifty once more. She frowned.What was I doing?You were signing me up, said Jesse. He pointed at the board. See?She looked down, startled. Why is your stimulate first? Didnt you just get here?We were here earlier and check in. You told us it was okay.She looked down again, clearly puzzled. She didnt remember them coming earlier because they hadnt but she apparently couldnt figure out why Jesses name was at the top now. A moment later, she shrugged and must have decided it wasnt expense overthinking. Stand with the others, and Ill call you next.As before long as Jesse and Ralf came near us, I turned on them. You just used compulsion on her, I hissed.Jesse looked panicked for a fraction of a second then his normal swagger took over. Whatever. I just convinced her, thats all. What, are you going to try to tell on me or some thing? zipper to tell, scoffed Christian. That was the worst compulsion Ive ever seen.Like youve seen compulsion, said Ralf.Plenty, said Christian. From people prettier than you. Of course, maybe thats part of why yours isnt as good.Ralf seemed passing offended at not being considered pretty, but Jesse just nudged him and started to turn away. blank out him. He had his chance.His chance at I remembered how Brandon had attempted weak compulsion when trying to convince me his bruises were nothing. Jill had said that Brett Ozera actually had convinced a teacher that his were nothing. The teacher had dropped the matter, much to Jills surprise. Brett must have used compulsion. Lightbulbs went off in different parts of my brain. The connections were all around me. The problem was, I couldnt unwind the wires quite yet. Thats what this is about, isnt it? Your stupid Man? and its need to beat up on people. Its got something to do with compulsion.I didnt understand how it all fit togethe r, but the surprised look on Jesses face told me I was on to something, even though he said, You dont know what youre talking about.I pushed forward, hoping some device hits would make him mad and say something he wasnt supposed to. Whats the point? Does it give you guys some kind of power trip to do these little tricks? Thats all they are, you know. You seriously dont know the first thing about compulsion. Ive seen compulsion that would make you do handstands and throw yourself out a window.Were learning more than you can even imagine, said Jesse. And when I take in out who told He didnt get a chance to finish his threat because he was called over to the feeder just then. He and Ralf stalked away, and Christian immediately turned to me.Whats going on? Whats a ManI gave him a hasty reprise of Adrians explanation. Thats what they wanted you to join. They must secretly be practicing compulsion. Adrian said these groups are always royals who have some plan to change and control thi ngs in dangerous times. They must think compulsion is the answer its what they meant when they told you they had ways to help you get what you wanted. If they knew how crappy your compulsion was, they probably wouldnt have asked.He scowled, not thirst me reminding him of the one time hed attempted and failed to get someone at the ski lodge. So wheres the beating-people-up part come in?Thats the mystery, I said. Christian was summoned over to feed just then, and I put my theories on hold until I could get more info and take action. I noticed which feeder we were being led to. Is that Alice again? How do you always get her? Do you pass on her?No, but I think some people specifically un-request her.Alice was happy to see us, as always. Rose. Are you still keeping us safe?I will if theyll let me, I told her.Dont be too hasty, she warned. Conserve your strength. If youre too eager to fight the undead, you may find yourselves joining them. Then youd never see us again, and wed be v ery sad.Yes, said Christian. Id cry into my roost every night.I resisted the urge to squawk him. Well, I couldnt visit if I was Strigoi, yeah, but hopefully Id just die a normal death. Then I could come see you as a ghost.How sad, I thought, that I was now making jokes about the very thing that was freaking me out lately. Alice found no amusement in it whatsoever. She shook her head.No, you wouldnt. The wards would keep you out.The wards only keep Strigoi out, I reminded her gently.A defiant look replaced her bemused one. The wards keep anything that isnt alive out. Dead or undead.Now youve done it, said Christian.The wards dont keep ghosts out, I said. Ive seen them.Considering Alices own instability, I didnt mind discussing mine with her. In fact, it was kind of novel to talk about this stuff with someone who wouldnt judge me. Indeed, she treated this as a perfectly normal conversation. If youve seen ghosts, then were not safe anymore.I told you last time, the securitys too go od.Maybe someone made a mistake, she argued, sounding remarkably coherent. Maybe someone missed something. Wards are made of magic. witching(prenominal) is alive. Ghosts cant cross them for the same reason as Strigoi. They arent alive. If you saw a ghost, the wards have failed. She paused. Or youre crazy.Christian laughed out loud. There you go, Rose. square from the source. I shot him a glare. He smiled at Alice. In Roses defense, though, I think shes right about the wards. The school checks them all the time. The only place guarded better than here is the Royal flirt, and both places are overflowing with guardians. Stop being so paranoid. He fed, and I glanced away. I should have known better than to listen to Alice. She was hardly a reputable source of information, even if shed been around for a while. And yet her weird logic did make sense. If wards kept Strigoi out, why not ghosts? True, Strigoi were the dead who had come back to walk the earth, but her point was sound All o f them were dead. But Christian and I were right too The wards around the school were solid. It took a lot of power to lay wards. Not every Moroi home could have them, but places like schools and the Royal Court had theirs maintained diligently. The Royal CourtId had no ghostly encounters whatsoever while we there, yet that had been incredibly stressful. If my sightings were stress-induced, wouldnt the Court and encounters with Victor and the queen have provided great opportunities for them to occur? The fact that Id seen nothing seemed to negate the PTSD theory. I hadnt seen ghosts until wed landed at the Martinville airport.Which didnt have wards.I nearly gasped. The Court had strong wards. Id seen no ghosts. The airport, which was part of the human world, had no wards. Id been bombarded with ghosts there. Id also seen flashes of them on the plane which was unwarded when we were in the air.I looked over at Alice and Christian. They were just about finished. Could she be right? Di d wards keep out ghosts? And if so, what was going on with the school? If the wards were intact, I should see nothing just like at Court. If the wards were broken, I should be occupy just like at the airport. Instead, the honorary society was somewhere in the middle. I had sightings only occasionally. It didnt make sense.The only thing I knew for sure was that if something was wrong with the schools wards, then I wasnt the only one in danger.

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